Lately I’ve been having a recurring fantasy: a life with no emotional connections.
You’ll never be disappointed because you expect nothing from everyone. You can focus on external matters, like your job. You’ll never have to worry about messy things like romantic and platonic relationships. No more worrying about people leaving.
I’ve always been hesitant to connect with people on a meaningful level. It’s something I haven’t fully overcome yet. Even after a couple of years in therapy, I still struggle with self-esteem and abandonment issues.
There’s this fear in me: that I’m so unbearably self-centered, miserable, and overall terrible, which makes me intolerable to everyone else. So I distance myself instead, to avoid getting hurt. My guarded nature is carefully crafted to avoid intimacy. Yet somehow I still end up getting hurt a lot of the time. It has gotten bad enough to the point that I’m reconsidering running away from all this. Just pack up my shit and go live in Baguio like I’ve planned to a few years ago.
The thing is, no matter how often I’d like to just cut off all personal relationships, I hesitate. Because I need that intimacy, that connection. I need the feeling of someone having my back, even if they don’t follow through in the way I wanted them to.
That makes me feel weak. Honestly, I wish I didn’t have any emotional needs so I can stop being so wounded. It sounds so asinine.